Off to a (not so) great start!

 Okay, so first and foremost, I did not write yesterday... which was Thursday and weigh-in day... so... yeah.  I also went out with friends last night and had a boozy milkshake.

BUT I did weigh-in, so let's take that win.  

Weight = 179.3

Miles this week = roughly 4.

To back up a bit, I re-started WW this January as a new years resolution (even though I sort of hate those) but I felt like I needed to really take some control of my life and really set some achievable goals.  On 1/6/21 I weighed 192 lbs... so we are at least in the positive. I did great until 4/15/21 when I weighed 178.5 and just kind of lost motivation.  I think some of that was because I had just finished (or was finishing) a 3 week trip to visit my parents in SC, and it is far harder for me to track food/eat better for me when I am there.  Plus I really enjoyed my time there with them and I think was fairly depressed upon return.  Don't get me wrong, I love the life I have built with my wife here, but being with my parents strongly reminded me that my heart still belongs in SC, and that their mortality was finite.  

What I did not know when I left was it was the last time I would see my father before he died.  I am so, so grateful for that three weeks.  That COVID made my work remote and that my wife was willing to let me leave life here and just go be with them.  It is truly something I will never get back.

I spent another 3 weeks in SC this July... planning my dads funeral, helping my mom figure out the beginnings of her new life and just, plain, being really really sad.

I am just so very, very sad.... all the time now.  I head back to SC in 2 weeks for a long weekend, and plan to do so about once a month at least through the holidays.  I don't want to be here... I'm not sure I really want to be there, but mostly I kind of just don't want to be anywhere.

My dad held us together.  I didn't realize this so much until the past several years but he did.  He made us make sense and now we are each just 4 spinning tops with little to connect us other than our blood relation.  I love my mom and both of my sisters but we don't make a ton of sense together.  At least my sisters and I.  We are three, vastly different women.  I'll go into that more in the future.

My mom and I do make a lot of sense in that we look SO MUCH alike these days, have similar style and a lot of similar mannerisms and interests.  I love her tons but also feel like I have to constantly manage her.  I have felt this way for a long time but it was much easier when my dad was there to help.  I just don't know how to do life without him.  I'm 46 and even recently needed his help with things... he has always been able to solve my problems.  I don't know how to do life and frankly don't really think I want to do it without him.

So today I'm going to try to track my food.  THAT I can maybe control.  It is also Friday and I'd like to drink beer and work in the garage this evening so that may be not so good.  I can at least track the beer though.  That I will do.

I will track my food, go for a walk (cause I am due for a boost from my girl Glennon Doyle and her "We can do hard things" podcast) and then just keep breathing.... that is probably plenty of a goal for today...