A 5th W.... WHY....

 So I've tried this blogging thing before... back when we had one of our foster kids who was particularly challenging, not only in his behavior but in how the whole process effected me.  I found it cathartic but also once that ended just kind of had to step away and did not go back.  A whole lot has happened since then, many for the better, also many hard things.  I am a serial counselor-goer, have been with my current therapist over 6 years and she is really great for me... challenging yet affirming.. however, I also need a place that I can just speak anonymously these days.... get thoughts down that I can return to as needed. I am also open to others commenting, I just don't feel like things I type are things I feel like talking to people about... not right now anyway.

My current therapist has opened my eyes to a couple of major things about me over the years... first is that I have crippling anxiety!  I actually always thought anxiety was an excuse for people who could not handle life.  Now I know it is real, very real for me, AND that I have just learned to cope in ways that are not always healthy.  The most noticeable one is that I just compartmentalize things and choose not to feel.  I have also learned that just because you know this does not mean you can just start to feel things.  Which is so strange because I can generally make things happen when I want to in life... I'm a severe control freak (another thing my therapist has helped me learn) and the fact that I seem to not be able to feel (sans anger and excitement, etc.) is crazy to me.

So quickly about me... I'm 46, been married to a woman for almost 15 years and live in Vermont.  I am originally from SC but we chose to live up here closer to my wife's family.  We have a really nice life, and until recently (sans the foster care stuff) it was pretty easy as well.  We are both professionals, have fur-babies (dogs) and generally are able to have and do the things we want.

Why W4?  Well, because I need to lose weight from COVID... 10-15 lbs would make me fairly happy... and walking/running (wogging really) is the most sensible form of exercise for me... at least at this time.  I also know that mentally I am better when I exercise regularly and I need mental better-ness right now.  Weight Watchers is nice for me because it gives me a real sense of control (control-freak, remember?  LOVE to control things) and it works for me when I am really following the plan.

Writing is my way of getting things out of my head and onto a space that doesn't just spin out of control.... so the plan... the challenge or "experiment" if you will; walk often and track miles, eat on program and weigh in regularly, write here regularly to have a place to put thoughts... all the while working to be present and feel my feelings... and there are a lot.... of which I will go into in future posts.

To be more specific because I know goals need to be measurable, start with a weigh-in tomorrow and start tracking again.  Walk at least 3 times a week and a minimum of 7 miles a week.  Write a blog-post every Thursday (because of weigh-in) and at least 2 more times a week.  We are going to commit to this through the New Year.... 

Okay... let the fun begin!